The gift of becoming
For years, I’ve given the same graduation gift: a copy of The Velveteen Rabbit. It might seem like an odd choice for someone stepping into adulthood — but I think it’s exactly right.
In the story, a stuffed rabbit learns that becoming “real” isn’t something that happens all at once. It happens slowly, through love, and wear, and being truly known by someone. “It doesn’t happen all at once,” the Skin Horse says. “You become.”
That’s what I think about when I watch a young person cross the stage at graduation. Not: do they have a plan? But: are they becoming? Do they have the space, the support, and the people around them to figure out who they really are?
This spring, I’m working with three young adults who are graduating — two from college, one from high school. Our sessions have been full: managing the anxiety of the unknown, figuring out how to stay connected with friends who are scattering, and learning how to hold the excitement and the uncertainty at the same time.
Some are working on job searches, networking, and the practicalities of living independently for the first time. Some are just learning how to breathe when the structure that held their days together starts to loosen.
I find myself excited for each of them. And also notice that they are fielding an enormous amount of “what’s next” from the people who love them most. Everyone wants to know “the plan.”
So, in our sessions, I try to ask something different.
When the scaffolding comes down
After working with many young adults through transitions, I’ve learned that the hardest part of graduation isn’t figuring out what’s next. It’s figuring out who you are when the scaffolding comes down.
For years, school has provided the structure — the schedule, the social world, the built-in sense of purpose and progress. Graduation doesn’t just mark an ending. It removes an entire operating system.
And into that space rushes a lot of noise. Expectations. Comparisons. The pressure to have a plan that sounds good at a graduation party.
For many young adults, that noise doesn’t just feel overwhelming — it lands as anxiety. Real, body-level anxiety that can look like paralysis, lost motivation, or an inability to start the things they want to do.
For young adults managing ADHD, anxiety, or other mental health challenges, this transition can feel especially disorienting. Many have had significant support systems around them — parents, teachers, school structures, friend groups — helping them stay on track. When those scaffolds disappear, managing focus, routine, and executive function often falls to them for the first time. That’s a significant adjustment.
What these young adults need isn’t more pressure or a better plan. It’s space to get honest about what they’re feeling, tools to manage the stress and uncertainty, and someone in their corner who isn’t waiting for a specific answer.
What independence requires
Real independence isn’t a switch that flips at graduation. It’s a set of skills — practical, emotional, and personal — that take time to build. And many of us were never explicitly taught them. Things like:
How to stay grounded when everything around you is changing
How to build a budget and stick to it
How to feed yourself well without a dining hall
How to manage your own health — appointments, insurance, medications
How to ask for help
How to make decisions based on your values, not the expectations you inherited
None of these things is on a final exam. But it’s some of the most important work a young person can do.
For the people who love them
If you’re a parent watching your graduate move toward the next chapter — maybe with pride, maybe with worry, maybe with both at once — you already know that what they need most isn’t a perfect roadmap. It’s knowing you trust them to figure it out. That they don’t have to have it all together right now. That figuring out is the work.
That kind of trust might be the graduation gift no one thinks to give.
Growing Into Independence Package
This six-session coaching package is designed for young adults navigating the transition out of high school or college. We work on the big questions and the practical ones: managing stress and the unknown, building independence, navigating job searches, budgeting, and staying connected to what matters most to you.